Coping with Spouses or Family Members Who Love to Argue

Family life can be a source of joy, support, and laughter. But what happens when a spouse or family member seems to thrive on arguments? 

Whether it’s over serious matters or the most trivial things, dealing with someone who loves to bicker can be draining. Here’s a guide to maintaining your peace and navigating these challenging dynamics.

Understand the Motivation

Before you address the behaviour, it’s helpful to understand why they might enjoy arguing. People argue for a variety of reasons:

Seeking attention: Some individuals feel validated when they provoke reactions from others.

Stress or frustration: Their argumentative nature may be a symptom of deeper emotional struggles.

Habitual behaviour: They might have grown up in an environment where arguing was the norm.

Personality type: Certain personalities are naturally more combative or enjoy debates as a form of intellectual engagement.

Understanding the underlying cause won’t necessarily excuse the behaviour, but it can help you approach the situation with compassion.

Don’t Take It Personally

When someone constantly bickers, it’s easy to feel targeted. However, remember that their argumentative nature is likely more about them than it is about you. Try to separate their behaviour from your sense of self-worth.

Choose Your Battles

Not every comment or disagreement requires a response. Learning to let go of minor issues can save you a lot of emotional energy. Ask yourself: Is this argument worth my time? If not, let it slide.

For example, if they argue about how you’ve arranged the cups in the cupboard, simply smile and move on. There’s no need to fuel the fire.

Set Boundaries

Setting clear boundaries is essential for protecting your peace. Calmly let them know which behaviours are unacceptable. For instance, you might say:

“I value our discussions, but I’m not comfortable when it turns into constant bickering.”

“I need us to communicate without raising our voices.”

Be firm but respectful, and stick to your boundaries.

Stay Calm and Composed

Arguing back in a heated manner will likely escalate the situation. Instead, take a deep breath and maintain your composure. A calm response can diffuse tension and prevent a full-blown argument.

If you find your emotions rising, step away from the conversation. It’s perfectly okay to say, “I need a moment to cool off. Let’s talk about this later.”

Use Humour

Sometimes, humour can lighten the mood and redirect the conversation. A playful comment or a shared laugh can disarm even the most persistent bickerer. For instance:

“Oh, you’ve found another hill to die on! Shall we save this one for tomorrow?”

Keep it light-hearted to avoid being dismissive.

Acknowledge Their Feelings

Often, bickering stems from a need to feel heard. Acknowledge their emotions and let them know you’re listening. Phrases like, “I understand why you feel that way,” can go a long way in de-escalating tension.

Encourage Constructive Communication

When tempers are calm, have an open conversation about how arguments affect you. Express your feelings without placing blame. For example:

“When we argue often, it leaves me feeling stressed. I’d love for us to find a way to communicate more constructively.”

Suggest alternative ways to handle disagreements, such as discussing issues at a set time when you’re both calm.

Look After Your Well-being

Living with someone who loves to argue can be emotionally taxing. Make self-care a priority to avoid feeling overwhelmed. Spend time on activities that bring you joy, confide in supportive friends, and practise stress-relief techniques like meditation or exercise.

Know When to Seek Help

If constant bickering escalates into frequent, harmful arguments, it might be time to seek professional help. A counsellor or therapist can provide tools for improving communication and resolving conflicts.

Final Thoughts

Dealing with an argumentative spouse or family member can be challenging, but it doesn’t have to rob you of your peace. By understanding their motivations, setting boundaries, and focusing on constructive communication, you can navigate these dynamics with resilience and grace.

Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. With patience and effort, it’s possible to foster a more harmonious relationship—even with the most determined bickerers.